Hi everyone,
I thought i should take time to teach people what domestic violence is, be you a man or a woman. The definition and process, so as to try to inform victims that they are victims and should change thier positions to become survivors and victors.

Happy reading

What Is Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence is a pattern of physical, emotional, and coercive behaviors that one family member uses to exercise power and control over another. Most perpetrators of abuse and battering are: a spouse, ex-spouse, boyfriend, ex-boyfriend, girlfriend, wife or lover. Most often victims of abuse are women and children, although men are abused also. The abuse can be physical, sexual, verbal, emotional, financial and psychological.
Types Of Abuse:
PHYSICAL ABUSEHitting/KickingChoking/SuffocatingHair pullingHeld downBiting/ScratchingPoking/PinchingGrabbing/SqueezingPushing/Shoving/TrippingTicklingSpit onStabbed/CutBurningPushed out of carThrowing objectsDragged through houseKidnapped
VERBAL ABUSEYellingInsultsThreats to hurt or killCriticizes appearanceConstant blaming
EMOTIONAL ABUSEIsolation from othersRidicule, put-downsManipulates you (through lies)Blames you for faults
IntimidationCriticismPrevents you from going placesUses money to control youIgnoring partner/silent treatmentAbuse of petsMonitors conversationsActs jealous and possessiveMakes constant excusesMakes you account for timeEmbarrasses you in front of othersMake you feel "crazy"
SEXUAL ABUSERapeWithholds sexAbuse if you refuse sexProhibits use of birth controlForcing pregnancyCriticizes appearanceConstant sexual demandsForcing unwanted sexual actsMaking demeaning sexual remarksForces cohabitation
FINANCIAL ABUSEControlling moneyDemanding an account of all expendituresDestruction of propertyTaking keys or purse
The Cycle Of Violence
The cycle of abuse has three distinct phases: the tensions building phase, the explosive phase and the honeymoon phase. Each phase is characterized by many different actions and feelings. The length of each phase and cycle varies with couples and the circumstances. The cycle of abuse may answer the question of "Why do victims stay?" Victims' hear this question repeatedly from all that know her situation. The cycle of abuse provides an explanation to this question. Victims of abuse are not constantly being abused, nor is the abuse always inflicted at random times.
The cycle of abuse is outlined by the following stages:
Tension Building:
This is a period that is marked by minor violent incidents, including pushing, shoving, verbal abuse, and arguments. The victim usually attempts to manage the abuser by a variety of ways. The victim may attempt to calm the abuser by becoming nurturing or compliant. They may attempt to anticipate every whim or to merely stay out of the abusers way. The victim may acknowledge to the abuse behavior, but believes that conciliatory behavior will prevent the anger and abuse from escalating. The victim denies their own anger at being unjustly hurt physically or psychologically and may blame the incident on outside forces. Victims reason that if they wait it out, the situation will change and along with it so will his abusive behavior.
As tensions escalate, the victim's coping mechanisms diminish along with the ability to deal with the abuse and keep quiet. The abuser increases his alternating pattern of brutality and smothering and his attempts at psychological humiliation become more barbed and hostile.
The Explosion:
Tension that builds beyond the point of no return sets the stage for the acute battering incident. This is displayed through and uncontrollable release of tension through emotional and/or physical violence. The rage is so great at this point that the abuser appears to lose control over thier behavior. The abuser may start wanting to teach a lesson, not intending to inflict bodily harm, and then stops when they feel the point has been made clear. Unfortunately, by this time, the victim has generally been severely physically and emotionally battered. During acute battering incidents, the abuser often justifies their behavior by reciting many petty annoyances that occurred during stage one.
The actual attack is usually followed by shock, disbelief, and denial on part of both the abuser and victim. Both attempt to rationalize the extreme seriousness and often, if there is physical injury, the victim will minimize it. The victims tend to withdraw and isolate themselves following a violent incident. They usually have feelings of depression and helplessness.
The Honeymoon:
During this phase, the victimization becomes complete. Just as brutality marks the explosion, extremely loving, kind and remorseful behaviors characterize the honeymoon stage. The batterer behaves in a charming and loving manner and apologizes for the violence. They beg for forgiveness and promise that it will never happen again. Abusers typically reinforce apologies with candy, flowers, card, and other gifts along with vows to give up any and all behavior that contributes to the tension-building phase (drinking, affairs, working long hours and/or any other stressful factors that both would like to believe are the "cause" of the explosion).
The most disheartening part of the honeymoon phase is the false hope that it fosters. The victim gets a glimpse of what they thought, and still hope, they had in a partner. The kind behavior of the abuser reinforces the hope that the situation can truly be better, if only the stresses were removed. During this phase, the victim often senses that the batterer is desperate, lonely and alienated and feels responsible to be a bridge to their well-being.
During this phase, many victims who have sought professional help often abandon their support groups, counseling, drop charges, and/or discontinue with divorce or separation proceedings. They are under the false pretense that the situation has reversed itself. Ultimately the tension builds again and the cyclic action is repeated. A victim who has endured several cycles soon realizes that they have traded their psychological and physical safety for a temporary dream state. The victim's self-esteem and self-image slowly withers as they cope with the awareness that they have sold themselves for brief periods of bliss. In a sense, the victim becomes accomplices to their own battering.
Limitations of the Cycle of Violence:
The cycle of violence was first presented by Lenore Walker in her landmark book, The Battered Woman, to describe some women's experience of physical abuse in their relationships. Since then, the cycle has been widely used by domestic violence advocates and proved useful to many victims of domestic violence to explain their experience of abuse.
It is important to realize that there are some limitations to the cycle of violence, and this cycle does not describe all violent relationships or all survivors' experience of abuse. The following are some points to consider when discussing the cycle of violence.
This cycle may be more descriptive of events early in the relationship and may not be descriptive of chronic, long-term abuse.
The cycle focuses more on the experience of acute physical violence that may not occur regularly in abusive relationships while neglecting the other coercive controlling aspects of abusive relationships.
It presents violent episodes as isolated events rather than presenting contact of ongoing abuse.
Some survivors are offended by the use of the phrase "honeymoon stage" as this implies that the abuse has ended when there is no physical violence and that this time in the relationship is loving.
Not all victims of abuse experience abuse in this way. Comparing a victim's experience of abuse to this cycle may not accurately reflect their experience and lead to the advocateÕs inaccurate deciding that they are not a victim.
The cycle of violence theory does not take into account the other forms of abuse including sexual, emotional, financial, and mental.
Following this theory may lead helpers to focus their intervention with batterer's on anger management, which is not appropriate intervention for abusive partners
Myths & Realities Of Domestic violence
The facts behind the myths about domestic violence:
1. Domestic Violence only affects a small percentage of the population. Domestic violence is the single greatest cause of injury to women between the ages of 15-44; more common than rapes, car accidents, muggings combined. In fact, every 9 seconds a women is assaulted by someone that "loves" her.
2. Middle/Upper class women are not battered as frequently or as violently as poorer women. Middle/upper class women are more likely to keep domestic violence a secret for fear of social embarrassment or harming their husband's careers. However, domestic violence occurs across all socio-economic levels.
3. Batterers are violent in all of their relationships. Batterers in general are not violent in other aspects of their lives. Only 5-10 percent of convicted batterers have assault records with other victims.
4. Victims of domestic violence are uneducated and have few job skills. Nearly one-third (31%) of American women report being physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point during their lives. Victims of domestic violence come from all walks of life ranging from teenagers, children who witness abuse, professionals, doctors, clergy, stay at home parents, service providers, to shift workers.
5. Batterers are unsuccessful and lack the resources to cope with the world. As with victims, perpetrators of domestic violence come from every walk of life. Batterers can be judges, carpenters, service professionals, or your next-door neighbor.
6. Batterers are never a loving partner. When not in a violent episode, victims of domestic violence often describe their partners as playful, sensitive and exciting. The severe swings in a batterer's behavior is what perpetuates the "cycle of violence" and keeps a victim in a relationship.
7. Once a battered women, always a battered women. Women who received some beneficial intervention rarely remarried another batterer.
8. It is easy for a victim of domestic violence to leave if she really wanted. Victims of domestic violence are often leaving a highly controlled environment. They usually have been isolated from family and friends, have limited financial resources due to their partner controlling the money and assets. Women 75% more likely to be murdered once they separate from their abuser.
9. Batterers will end their violence once they are married. Often victims believe once they marry their batterer, the batterer will feel more secure and confident in their relationship and the violence will stop. However, usually the batterer's suspiciousness and possessiveness increase along with the rate of violence. Domestic violence will only increase in frequency and severity over time.
10. Children need a father, even if he is occasionally violent. Children living in violent homes have severe emotional and educational problems. Children who witness domestic violence are 700 times more likely to become abusers. Children who are victims of domestic violence are 1,000 times more likely to become abusers as adults.
11. Domestic violence is a "family problem." Domestic violence impacts every facet of our society. Ninety percent of all violent crimes against the elderly are domestic violence crimes. Forty percent of teenage girls report knowing someone who has been either physically or sexually assaulted in their relationship. Domestic violence costs businesses an estimated $5 billion annually.

Why Do Victims Stay?
Many people, including victims themselves, may ask, "Why would someone stay in a violent relationship?" Here are some examples of barriers victims face when they consider leaving a violent relationship.
Fear: Fear of being alone, managing the home by oneself or consequences of leaving an abusive partner. Women are at a 75% higher risk of being killed by their abuser then those who stay.
Economic dependence: Who will support her and the children?
Parenting: The children need a father. "A crazy father is better than no father."
Religion/Culture: Gender roles, culture or religious beliefs may pressure the victim to keep the family together.
Loyalty: "He's sick. If he had a broken leg, or cancer, I would stay with him: this is no different."
Savior complex: If I stay, I can help him to get better.
Pity: She feels sorry for him.
Fear of his suicide: He says he'll kill himself if I leave.
Denial: It's really not that bad.
Guilt: She feels, and he claims, that the marital problems are her fault. She causes his difficulties, actions and problems.
Responsibility: It's up to her to work things our, to save the marriage.
Shame/Embarrassment/Humiliation: She doesn't want anyone to know.
Identity: Many women feel that they need a man to be complete.
Security: They feel secure because they have a relationship. Some victims believe that no one else would love them, because that is what their abuser tells them.
Optimism: Things will get better. He keeps promising me that.
Low self-esteem: It must be my fault. I must deserve it. I will never find anyone better. A little love is better than no love. A victim believes this because she hears it continuously from her abuser.
Survival: Fears about her own physical survival if she leaves, because he has threatened her life and maybe the lives of their children.
Community Resources: Resources for victims may not be well known or easy to use. Victims may not know about their options.
Isolation: Batterers often feel threatened by their victims' relationships and stop them from becoming close to others. The isolation makes the victim rely on the abuser for support.
Normal behavior: If a victim was raised in a violent home or has lived years of abuse, she may find the behavior to be normal.
Stockholm Phenomenon: When their captors hold hostages for a period of time, they begin to identify with them. Many victims of abuse, who are literally held hostage by their abusers, manifest this syndrome.
End effects of terror: When a person lives in never ending terror and stress, their ability to resist gets worn away. They lack the energy and become confused and exhausted.